God's Will for My Loss

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4 (The Message)

When God says to stop, it leaves me no choice...but to listen!  Every little girl desires to be the beautiful princess that her father talks about.  Every little girl wants her Daddy to be proud of her.  Sometimes, our story doesn't exactly go that way.  My parents were divorced when I was a little girl.  I really don't ever remember them being together.  When I was about 6 or 7 years old, my mother met a man and we spent nearly 10 years enjoying things like camping, fishing, boating, 4 wheeling and many other things.  One day, my mother knew that God was leading her to end this relationship, even though we all loved this man so.  The problem was that he was an alcoholic and it wasn't healthy for any of us to remain in this relationship.  So when I was around 16 years old, the relationship ended.  We never really saw him again.  I never really realized until recently, what a huge impact this had on my life.  

March 7th of this year represented the 14th anniversary of my own father's passing.  I never really got the opportunity to know my father.  The time that I spent with my father was few and far between, but much of that time I spent with him as a child, was not healthy.  I loved my father so and always hoped that I would get the opportunity to have that father-daughter relationship that I so desperately desired.  God had other plans!

My baptism day-with my Daddy on April 1, 1973

It is through this recently loss, that I have been able to identify why I must grieve.  It has been brought to my attention that I have been carrying some pretty heavy things for too many years.  God keeps trying to reassure me that these losses are just earthly, but that doesn't mean that they hurt any less.  

....I still keep wondering why?  Why don't I ever get to experience what a Father-Daughter relationship is supposed to be?  What if I don't really want to grieve?  What if I don't want this to be the end?  What if I don't want to let this go?  Why do I have to?  Why do I have to let my dream go?  

When I was trying to sleep last night, but the tears wouldn't stop falling....I wrote this poem.

 Broken

     Give me joy, through my sorrow.

     Fill my heart for tomorrow.

     Praise your name in my pain,

     and bring me your cleansing rain.

     Show me how to be set free,

     of these bonds that are holding me.

     Release me from this broken place,

     so my heart will feel your grace.

     These chains must go, I'm breaking free.

     This must no longer have a hold on me.

I woke up this morning, wondering how I was supposed to let go of these dreams that I have always had.  You know God always has a way of making you deal with things, even when you don't want to.  I know that God's way is best, but I am still learning that no matter how painful His plan may be...the joy comes on the other side.  

My devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries this morning was titled, "God's Will for Me to Grieve".  Can you believe that?  I just wanted to say, why God?  Why do you want me to grieve so bad?  If I grieve, that means that I have to let go....and I am not so sure that I am ready to do that.  Every time that I think that there isn't possibly anything else that I need to deal with, God brings yet something else up.  I guess that I must have been really good at shoving things down, because the things that he keeps bringing up....I would have never guessed were an issue.  

I am so thankful that God loves me so much, that he would want me to be whole.  As I was writing last night, I was able to identify many emotions or feelings that I have gained or been burdened with from my earthly father relationships/roles.  As I reflect on the past eleven weeks of my 'Breaking Free' bible study, I am able to recognize these feelings as strongholds.  Strongholds can be identified as anything that keeps you from being able to be who God created you to be.  I needed to figure out what these things were so that I could see the importance of grieving.  I guess because it wasn't my father that recently died, I didn't believe that I would feel loss.  The problem is that loss is exactly what I feel.  I am just trying to understand and identify, what the loss is that I am grieving.  I am working on this loss with God.  Over the last few years, I have embraced God as my personal Father.  He may not be an earthly father, but he is an amazing Heavenly Father.  He is really the only one that has ever been in my life constantly.  I believe this is what God has wanted from me all along.  I just have to remember that as I grieve the loss of my earthly fathers, only God can truly be all those things that I need.  It is amazing to me how, no matter what the message starts out as.  I always end up with the same ultimate answer......God is all we truly need!  No earthly person can ever give us the joy and peace that we get from personally knowing God as our Heavenly Father!      

If you are grieving a loss, I urge you to check out the link above which has other resources listed.     

Oaks of Righteousness

For the last eleven weeks, I have been in a bible study called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore.  This was the first bible study that I have ever attended.  Tonight I finished watching one of the DVDs from week 5, which I had missed.  What is so amazing to me is that I wasn't supposed to watch it during week 5, because I wouldn't have got the same message that I did by watching it tonight.  Tonight was definitely an important one in my journey.  Tonight was about courage.  

Beth Moore truly believes that in order for us to move forward, we must have courage.  We must be ready to fight and stand up and change the future, by not repeating the past.  We must be willing to 'break free' of unhealthy habits and make choices by 'love and not loyalty'.  Something else that was revealed to me in past weeks, is that we can rebuild the ancient ruins.  Isaiah 61:4 reads, "They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."  I feel like this verse actually gives me the permission to make the choices that are necessary to protect my family from the devastation and guide them to a healthier life.  I don't want to remain in the bondage that I have been in all these years.  Nor do I want to pass down these things to future generations.  I want us to be free to be exceptional, just as God has called each of us to be according to Jeremiah 18:11b.  "So turn from your evil ways, each one of you, and reform your ways and your actions."  

I continued to be amazed at how God continues to reveal areas of my life, where I remain in bondage.  This is something God has been working on with me for quite some time.  Experience after experience, he opens doors that were closed or places that were stored away that I was truly unaware of.  There is nothing more precious to me than my freedom, from the things that have held me captive all my life.  Even memories from my life have caused me to live in bondage, for reasons that I didn't even understand until recently.  God wants us to be free! 

In Isaiah 61:3b it says, "They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."   God wants us to be free so that he can enjoy us.  He doesn't want us to be captive.  I don't know about you, but I would love to be viewed as a tree, because I think that they are all beautiful.  For months, I have had this strange fascination of trees.  You can ask my kids, they all thought that I was losing it, because of how much I have gone on and on about trees.  I even went as far as decorating in my house, with some beautiful pictures of trees.  I just couldn't seem to get enough of trees.  It didn't really matter what they looked like, I just wanted to look at them and be surrounded by them.  

There is just something so amazing to me about how they look and how they are each so different.  You and I, are those trees!  Each and everyone of us.  God made each of us so different and for a specific purpose.  Not one of us is here to serve the same purpose.  God gave us each unique gifts, that only we have.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to be like everyone else, that we don't see the truth.  The truth of who God created us to be.  What are you good at?  What are your gifts?  If you don't know, ask someone you love.  I am sure that they can tell you, those things that you have as gifts.  

God wants each of us to be planted by truth, so that we can grow and be beautiful.  This is not our own truth, but the truth of his word.  We can't believe the lies that we have always believed.  You are worthless.  You don't deserve to be happy.  You will never amount to anything.  You won't have a long healthy life.  These are just some of the lies, that the enemy tells us.  We can't fall into the same unhealthy traps.  We must be firmly planted in his truth.  "Then.......the truth will set you free."  John 8:32 

We must stand up for what we believe in, and not be persuaded by loyalty.....but by LOVE!  We must not doubt the love that God has for us!  We must trust and know that we are forgiven, even when we aren't ready to forgive ourselves.  We must move forward knowing that we have the ability to do things differently with the strength of God.  God has a specific purpose for you in this lifetime!  If you never seek to figure out what that is, then you will never know, what might have been.  Don't let history, be the deciding factor for your future!  Let's become the beautiful oak trees that God desires us to be.  May God bless your life!                  

A Profound Influence

Can anyone truly understand what a profound influence that someone can make on their life?  Today, I lost someone that I loved.  Now, it wasn't someone that I was close to.  It wasn't someone that I even had contact with.  This person was a part of my life as a child.  I'm pretty sure that most people may not be able to fully understand why this loss has impacted me so much.  This person represented a role in my life that has never really been truly filled.  I guess it just makes the finality of it all the more painful.  Today, I lost the only father figure that I knew.  He was not a perfect person and had his faults just like you and I.  But, he had a heart of gold.  He may not have known how to share this with others, but I saw it masked behind so many things.  It was there.  Sometimes, we become so lost in our pain that we can't find our way out and we do the best that we can to learn how to cope with our circumstances.

The memories that I have during this 9-10 year stretch of my childhood began in the late 70s.  Those memories have filled my head for many years.  Over the last few days, as I learned of his declining health, the memories began to flood into my mind.....like an overflowing well.  During those years, we enjoyed camping, hiking, boating, swimming, four wheeling, and Pismo Beach sand dunning.  There was drama as I'm sure there is in many homes, but that isn't the memory that I carry with me.  I have so many memories that I will treasure always from my childhood.

In the last year, God brought his daughter back into my life after nearly 20 years without contact.  It has been amazing getting to know her after all these years, since we had all the time that we enjoyed during the summers as kids.  We had so much fun riding all over the neighborhood on our bikes.  We had so much fun growing up together!  We formed a bond as sisters, all of those years ago.  I have really enjoying getting to know her more over the last few months.  I honestly feel so blessed to have her back in my life.  She is that sister that God never gave me!  I pray that the closing of this chapter and the memory of her father may bring us to a place of joy and love!  What is in the heart is what truly matters!  God blessings to All!         

Who are you listening to?

In the past two weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I am entirely too hard on myself.  It didn't really hit me until the other day, during my bible study when a verse in Galatians was mentioned.  The verse is from Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  This verse speaks such huge volumes to me at this point in my life.  Who am I really here to serve?  Is my true purpose to please everyone around me, so that I can fit in?  It is funny that my words to my children keep ringing so loudly in my ears right now.  We are not here to fit in.  We are here to be different and to stand out, because that is what we are called to do.  I have told my children this over and over, but why am I now trying to do something different.  Fitting in is nice and maybe even comfortable, if you want to call it that.  The problem is that we can't achieve the true purpose that God has called us for.....if we aren't willing to stand out and be different.  

The two weeks before my hubby left were pretty rough for me personally.  I believe that I brought most of it on myself though.  I felt so pressured to try and get so much stuff done, but in reality.....I didn't get hardly anything done!  It is amazing to me how when things get so crazy, instead of clinging to HIM, we just try to do it on our own.  You would think that I would have learned that already.  I guess not!

God has really been working on me lately.  He is teaching me to be patient and wait on HIM.  

Why am I in such a hurry to start our school for the year?  Maybe it is because I am truly excited and I am hoping to learn something that I didn't as a child.  History and Science were not things that I was very good at, but I believe a lot of this was because of traditional schooling....for which I just don't fit.  I am learning so much, while learning what would work best for my children and their education.  It is amazing to me how I continue to discover more and more about myself as I research & contemplate what will work best for keeping that desire to learn in my children.  One of the greatest things about homeschooling is that it becomes a life style.  Homeschooling is not a class you take or a  textbook you read.  It can be, but that is not what I desire it to be.  I desire for them to want to know more about things that we come across in our daily lives, which is what learning is all about.  We are going to be doing a whole lot of reading this year.  I am looking forward to that time together.  

I am also hoping that I will learn to wait for your call, Lord....every time.  I know only you know what is best for me and for my family.  Please give me the courage to be patient and listen for your call.