The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

Have you ever gone into a situation or a place where you felt you didn't really belong?  You weren't really a part of what had been happening....you were distanced from the situation....so much so that you just can't understand or even begin to share feelings about the situation.  I recently did this.  I have been pondering this for a good week now, but the feelings that I have are still the same.  I don't really know how else to explain how I feel.  

A week ago Wednesday the 10th of November, I lost my Grandfather.  He was the greatest man that I have ever known.  I have so much that I wanted to share about him and so many things that I wanted to share with him.....but God called him to rest.  His pain and suffering is finally over.  Thank you, Jesus! 

The last time that I saw my grandfather was last year at Christmas time.  He was very quiet when we visited last year.

  

He spoke few words and mostly sat in his chair with his eyes closed.  Occasionally, he would open his eyes for a word or two...but mostly he was just quiet.

My Grandpappy as we called him was a truly wonderful, amazing grandfather.  I have so many happy memories of time that my brother and I spent with him biking all over Stockton.  We also went and put out cages/traps for crawdads and then went back and checked them after a certain period of time.  We had so much fun cleaning and then feasting on the crawdads.  He was also big on recycling and on our bicycle journeys, we always collected soda cans and then smashed them and took them to the recycling center to get money.  We collect a lot of cans on our journeys.  My Grandpappy made me many things as a little girl a few of which I have passed on to my youngest daughter, one of these things was a doll bed/cradle.  My Grandmother also contributed a mattress which was sewn for the bottom of the bed.  I also had a doll rocking chair, which he had made for me.  He was very handy at making things, until he lost his sight.  He had macular degeneration.  He was an avid bike rider, until he wasn't able to do so anymore.  Even then, he would walk up and down the hall and living room in his home to keep up his activity.  Over time, this got more difficult.  He was a great Christian leader also.  I remember going to fast food as a child and having to pray before we could eat.  I used to feel embarrassed by this, but a few years ago....we began this same practice with our family.  I really don't remember him being much of a complainer.  He wanted the best for his family and even helped in financially supporting my education and contributing to the future education of my children.  He was truly the greatest man that I ever knew!  He will be greatly missed.        

I really truly believed that I had said goodbye to him last year.  But, something happened in the last week that I just can't explain.  I had all of these intentions of things that I wanted to share, even a song that I was going to sing at his funeral.  But, none of these things happened.  I am not really sure why, but it seems as though.....I was awe struck and I just became numb.  I felt nothing.  I watched others grieve and even tried to comfort them, when inside.....my heart was and is so broken.  Maybe this is because, I just didn't want to say good-bye or maybe just because I didn't want anyone to know how much it hurt to not be a part of everything that has taken place in the last few months.  Maybe I even felt like I didn't deserve to be sad, because I hadn't gone through watching him suffer over the last few months.  I walked into a situation that I felt no part of.  I felt like an outsider in my own family.  I know that this was never anyone's intention....or did anyone do anything to make me feel this way, but it is truly what I experienced in my heart.   

I am not sure that I know where to go from here, because I didn't allow myself to be broken or even hurt when I was home with my family.  I know that my grandfather is in a better place with all of my friends and family that have gone before him, but it still hurts to know that I won't be able to see him again on this earth.