Hidden in My Heart

As God continues to reveal pieces of my life, I continue to become aware of the feelings that I have never dealt with.  In order to move forward with my life and the purpose that God has for me here, I must deal with the past and determine what my feelings were and what they are now.  Those feelings that I thought would just fade away, over 20 years later they are still the same.  I guess that I never realized what a huge place in my heart that I held for Bob, who recently passed away.  As a child, Bob was the one that showed me what love from a father looks like.  This love looks very different to everyone, but his example was the best representation of fatherly love, that I have received.    

I recently looked through pictures from those years.  As I looked through the pictures, the feelings came flooding back again....in ways that I never dreamed possible.  I will forever cherish this time in my life that was filled with so many happy memories.  I remember exactly how I felt back then.  I felt loved!  I never questioned it.  I didn't have a reason to, because it was obvious.  I saw the love that was shared, even through the drama.  Then one day, it ended.  No looking back.  No good-byes.  Nothing, no more, done.  So I shoved all of those lovely feelings down and I forgot about them over time.  Time and other wounds covered up my true feelings, which I had hidden in my heart.    

I began my own life only a few years after all of this took place.  I moved out when I was seventeen.  I was young & very strong-willed, I needed peace and I didn't have it where I was.  I don't think that I found it right away, because I went searching for love in all the wrong places.  I spent many years making bad choices and going down the wrong path.  I wanted that love back.  I didn't know how to get it back, but I was determined.  

Until one day, I met my husband, Chance.  He was the most amazing person I had ever met.  There was something magical between us.  He filled my heart with what I had been longing for, for so many years.  We both had the same desire and that was to be loved and we found that in each other.  It has been six long weeks, since I have seen my amazing husband.  I really believe that absence does make the heart grow fonder.  I miss him so terribly!  Tomorrow he returns...and I can't wait!   


Over the last year, God has really been working on healing my heart.  I can't really explain how unbelievable this all seems to me.  The thing is....it is very real!  God wants me healed of all of these wounds that I have...and there are so many!  I really can't begin to imagine what is coming next.  All of the things that continue being revealed are things that I didn't even realize had caused me pain.  I would like to say that I am enjoying this journey, but that would be an understatement.  I am not driving, so I guess....I'm just along for the ride.  I am hoping eventually the road will get less bumpy, but I'm afraid that there will be a lot more before it is over.  Thank you, Jesus for working on healing my broken wings....I can't wait to be able to fly again!       

God's Will for My Loss

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4 (The Message)

When God says to stop, it leaves me no choice...but to listen!  Every little girl desires to be the beautiful princess that her father talks about.  Every little girl wants her Daddy to be proud of her.  Sometimes, our story doesn't exactly go that way.  My parents were divorced when I was a little girl.  I really don't ever remember them being together.  When I was about 6 or 7 years old, my mother met a man and we spent nearly 10 years enjoying things like camping, fishing, boating, 4 wheeling and many other things.  One day, my mother knew that God was leading her to end this relationship, even though we all loved this man so.  The problem was that he was an alcoholic and it wasn't healthy for any of us to remain in this relationship.  So when I was around 16 years old, the relationship ended.  We never really saw him again.  I never really realized until recently, what a huge impact this had on my life.  

March 7th of this year represented the 14th anniversary of my own father's passing.  I never really got the opportunity to know my father.  The time that I spent with my father was few and far between, but much of that time I spent with him as a child, was not healthy.  I loved my father so and always hoped that I would get the opportunity to have that father-daughter relationship that I so desperately desired.  God had other plans!

My baptism day-with my Daddy on April 1, 1973

It is through this recently loss, that I have been able to identify why I must grieve.  It has been brought to my attention that I have been carrying some pretty heavy things for too many years.  God keeps trying to reassure me that these losses are just earthly, but that doesn't mean that they hurt any less.  

....I still keep wondering why?  Why don't I ever get to experience what a Father-Daughter relationship is supposed to be?  What if I don't really want to grieve?  What if I don't want this to be the end?  What if I don't want to let this go?  Why do I have to?  Why do I have to let my dream go?  

When I was trying to sleep last night, but the tears wouldn't stop falling....I wrote this poem.

 Broken

     Give me joy, through my sorrow.

     Fill my heart for tomorrow.

     Praise your name in my pain,

     and bring me your cleansing rain.

     Show me how to be set free,

     of these bonds that are holding me.

     Release me from this broken place,

     so my heart will feel your grace.

     These chains must go, I'm breaking free.

     This must no longer have a hold on me.

I woke up this morning, wondering how I was supposed to let go of these dreams that I have always had.  You know God always has a way of making you deal with things, even when you don't want to.  I know that God's way is best, but I am still learning that no matter how painful His plan may be...the joy comes on the other side.  

My devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries this morning was titled, "God's Will for Me to Grieve".  Can you believe that?  I just wanted to say, why God?  Why do you want me to grieve so bad?  If I grieve, that means that I have to let go....and I am not so sure that I am ready to do that.  Every time that I think that there isn't possibly anything else that I need to deal with, God brings yet something else up.  I guess that I must have been really good at shoving things down, because the things that he keeps bringing up....I would have never guessed were an issue.  

I am so thankful that God loves me so much, that he would want me to be whole.  As I was writing last night, I was able to identify many emotions or feelings that I have gained or been burdened with from my earthly father relationships/roles.  As I reflect on the past eleven weeks of my 'Breaking Free' bible study, I am able to recognize these feelings as strongholds.  Strongholds can be identified as anything that keeps you from being able to be who God created you to be.  I needed to figure out what these things were so that I could see the importance of grieving.  I guess because it wasn't my father that recently died, I didn't believe that I would feel loss.  The problem is that loss is exactly what I feel.  I am just trying to understand and identify, what the loss is that I am grieving.  I am working on this loss with God.  Over the last few years, I have embraced God as my personal Father.  He may not be an earthly father, but he is an amazing Heavenly Father.  He is really the only one that has ever been in my life constantly.  I believe this is what God has wanted from me all along.  I just have to remember that as I grieve the loss of my earthly fathers, only God can truly be all those things that I need.  It is amazing to me how, no matter what the message starts out as.  I always end up with the same ultimate answer......God is all we truly need!  No earthly person can ever give us the joy and peace that we get from personally knowing God as our Heavenly Father!      

If you are grieving a loss, I urge you to check out the link above which has other resources listed.